Losing it All
by AmityBelle
Summary: She knew him better than anyone. She didn't know him at all. They didn't understand why he had to be this way. She loved him against impossible odds. Eric x Amity OC
1. Prologue

**Author's Note:** This story was originally written for the Facebook Page that I admin called _Excuse me, where can I buy a Tobias Eaton? _Other than this I don't write fanfiction often. This is a little bit of an experiment; a writing practice of sorts. I hope that you'll enjoy it as much as some of the Page's Likers did.

**Prologue**

Today is Choosing Day.

The room fills with people as I try to keep myself calm. The alphabetical arrangement means that I stand alone; there is an Abnegation girl to my right and an Erudite boy to my left. I grip the hem of my red dress tightly and force a smile onto my face. I am Amity. I will face this trial with peaceful ease. The boy next to me shifts and I glance at him. He is handsome, with dark hair and eyes bright with anticipation. A blush rises to my cheeks and I realize that I've stared too long. I quickly look away, but the image of him burns in the back of my mind. Sneaking another peek, I notice that there is a fierce hunger in his eyes. He tries to mask his grin but I can still feel his excitement. And the violence behind it. He stares at the Dauntless. A knot grows in my stomach, clenching almost unbearably. Something about this boy makes my heart pound and the decision that should have been easy, isn't anymore.

It is Erudite's year to host the choosing ceremony, so Jeanine Matthews enters the center circle to address the crowd. I barely hear here as she speaks. I am too busy trying to imagine my life at the end of each of the five roads open to me. I have never imagined changing Factions before, not even before the Aptitude Test. I have always known that I belonged in Amity; have always felt at home there. Nothing was ever going to change that. No test, no person, nothing. Until him. A cold shiver runs down my spin and my smile finally fades. How could a person I've never spoken to change my mind so drastically? I pick at a loose thread in my clothing and try to slow my pounding heart. I don't know that I am strong enough to change my choice. I take a deep breath and try not to think as Jeanine begins calling names. The Erudite boy is called before me and the sound of his name consumes me. _Eric._ I latch onto that fact as I watch him enter the circle. His blood is sizzling on the coals before I my mind even registers the cut on his palm.

It is my turn.

My name is called, but it sounds foreign to my ears. I approach the circle and hesitantly take the knife. I stare at the metal bowls in front of me. Five different choices. Five different lives. I look at them each in turn and then shift my eyes over to where Eric stands with the Dauntless initiates. He is glowering at the transfer from Abnegation. I take a deep breath and look to the other side of the room. At Amity; my family. My palm throbs viciously as I run the knife over it. I hesitate again, letting the blood pool in my hand. I tilt it into the bowl and watch it run off my pale skin.

The soil drinks in my blood and the first pangs of regret stab my heart.

I am not brave enough to follow him.

And now I never will be.


	2. Chapter 1

**Chapter One**

The smell of ripe apples drifts through the orchard. I reach up and pull one of the red spheres free of its branch. The weight of it in my palms is familiar, a constant that has never changed throughout my life and never will. I place the fruit into my basket, which I then pass down to the initiate waiting at the bottom of my ladder. He takes it with a grin and carries it over to the crating station as I climb down. I walk past the rows of trees, my yellow skirt swirling around my legs in the breeze, heading toward the loading area where other Amity are loading crates of apples into a truck. They smile at me as I approach and I hug them all in greeting before jumping into the back of the truck with the other initiates. We'll be taking the fruit into the city, to be distributed to all the factions. The wheels of the truck bounce uncomfortably on the dirt road, but I smile as though it doesn't bother me. The morning light shines through the leaves in patterns of shadow and gold; beauty that cannot be found in the city. And for a moment I feel nothing but pride in my faction. But as we continue to drive, we leave the thriving plants behind and the trees around us become dead and bare. I shiver. I always hate this part of the trip, always have. There is pain in the dead branches, in the destruction and the desolation. These trees cannot be saved. It is unbearably lonely and sad. The truck slows and I realize that we are now at the fence, negotiating with the Dauntless guards to open the gate. I hop out of the truck to stretch my legs before the long ride across the city. The fence looms in either direction and I wander closer to it instinctively. Loud voices sound nearby and I peer around me to locate them. A small group stands on the other side of the fence; an older man surrounded by a group of teenagers dressed in black. The Dauntless initiates. My heart swells, stops, pounds wildly in my chest. _He_ is with them. A numbness spreads through me. A warmth takes over. I watch him as he stands, rigid and straight. He does not look at ease like some of the others, but he doesn't seem necessarily uncomfortable. It is almost as though he holds himself this way in order to look menacing. The idea makes my heart flutter.

The man who must be their instructor gestures adamantly as he speaks. The others seem to be taking his words very seriously, but Eric simply wears a bored expression. Either he already knows what they are being told, or he doesn't care. He is either very confident or very arrogant. _Both_. He walks away from the others, heading in my direction to inspect the fence. Soon he will be close enough that I can reach out and touch him. He doesn't notice me at first, so I stay quiet, watching how his forehead wrinkles when he frowns in concentration. He turns his head and I notice that the right side of his jaw his marred with the purple and green of healing bruises. My stomach flip flops and my heart is suddenly beating in my throat. He moves like he is going to walk away and I panic. I reach out and wrap my fingers around the chain link fence, calling to him. "H-Hello!" I stumble over my words and mentally berate myself. I can't even get a simple 'Hello' right? What is wrong with me?

He turns back and his eyes narrow. He is not startled by my appearance but seems irritated with himself for not noticing me. He walks over to where I stand, so that we are face to face, separated by several inches of air and a few thin millimeters of coiled wire. He seems to be waiting for me to say something but I've forgotten how to breathe. My head protests the lack of oxygen. He is so close that I might faint. "You," he says suddenly, something like a flare of recognition in his eyes. "From the choosing ceremony."

The world stops.

And then my mind whirls with a million thoughts , running in a fast unbroken line. _He remembers me? How does he remember me? He didn't even look at me! But of course he noticed me. He was Erudite, right? They are trained to notice things. But he's not Erudite anymore! Oh my God! He remembers me! What do I do? What do I say? He must think I'm crazy! He thinks I'm crazy now, doesn't he? Don't just stand there you idiot, say something!_

"Y-yes!" I manage to squeak a word in reply and my cheeks flash hot in embarrassment when he raises an eyebrow at me. My heart sinks.

"You were staring at me the whole time." He speaks without any emotion, his eyes betray no feeling. He doesn't even blink. I feel dizzy.

"Yes..." I look down at my shoes and wait for a scolding.

"Why?"

My eyes widen and I raise my head again. _Erudite curiosity_, I think. I open my mouth to speak but can't force anything out. To my right a voice calls my name and I glance over to see that the other Amity are waiting for me. We are not Abnegation, so I will not be scolded for being selfish, but making them all wait is terribly unkind. They are doing me a favor by waiting. I look at Eric one more time, trying to memorize his face from the front rather than the side. I push away from the fence and it rattles loudly. "Ithinkyou'recute!" I say quickly and then run back to the truck.

In the interest of peace, my fellow Amity do not reprimand me, but they all give me questioning looks. "I'm sorry," I say. "I've been terribly distracted and that's not fair to any of you." They all hug me in acknowledgement. Nobody asks the question that burns on the tip of their tongues though they have every right to, just as I have every right not to answer them. But most of them are transfers and the do not know this yet. We pile back into the truck and drive through the gate. I watch as Eric walks back to join his fellow initiates and stare at the black mass that they become until they disappear from view.


	3. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

The rough-cut table leaves pressure marks in my skin and I have to rub the feeling back into my elbows. The cafeteria is loud, as usual, with groups chattering to each other at every table. Silence is a rarity. I have friends to either side of me, fellow initiates, who are gossiping about today's initiation task. Amity initiation is not structured like some of the other Factions'. The idea is to promote natural kindness and encourage a desire to help one another. Each initiate is expected to volunteer their time helping in as many ways as they can. Do this successfully and you'll be added to the official faction roster. The roster isn't entirely necessary – the work would get done anyway – but in the interest of fairness the chores are rotated among members; taking into consideration any other careers that they may have to complete, of course. Personally, I'm torn between becoming a nurse and working in the daycare in the city. I am munching absently on a carrot, when my friend shakes my shoulder to get my attention. Camie smiles at me. She is Amity-born like myself and has been a friend of mine since we were very young.

"Are you feeling alright today, Belle?" she asks me. A flicker of concern passes through her eyes but her smile doesn't falter. "You seem distracted and you've barely touched your breakfast."

I return her smile with ease, though my thoughts remain scattered. "I'm fine, Camie," I say. "Just a little nervous about picking a career after initiation."

That's partially true. I do not mention my preoccupation with Eric, though. Camie gives me a reassuring hug. "Well I have to go," she says, standing up. "I'm helping out some of the counselors at the school today. I have to go catch the bus into the city." She waves goodbye as she walks away. I sigh and stand as well. I'm required in the laundry rooms today.

The walk down the wooden hallway feels like it goes on forever. My thoughts shift, as they have so often lately, back to the other day. Back to the fence. Back to _him_. My heart flutters as the image of his face appears in my mind. But then I remember reality, the impossibility. A cold enters my chest, spreading to all my limbs, freezing my fingertips and my toes.

I sigh. It's going to be a long day.

I run the iron over the wrinkled fabric of a red dress before passing the newly warmed piece of clothing to my partner and fellow initiate for folding. We have been working silently all morning, lost in our own thoughts. Unusual for Amity, but I am not much in the mood for talking. I am luck that my partner is a transfer from Erudite. _Erudite_. An image of Eric dressed in blue and wearing an eager expression springs to my mind. The iron steams and I realize that I've almost burned a hole through a yellow shirt.

"Coloe?" I ask timidly, suddenly desperate for information.

She stops folding and looks at me. "Yes?"

"You used to be Erudite didn't you?" I try to ignore the nervous thudding of my heart. I don't mean to pry, but I just have to know.

"Yes. I was born an Erudite," she replies, her language still too formal for Amity. "However, I found it quite difficult to sustain such a level of academia. I chose Amity because I wanted to still be of use to the society. Here, I can still be an essential part of society."

I nod. It is a common wish, the need to be useful. A similar wish sustains my drive to become a nurse. "And," I clear my throat, "And did you have to leave many friends behind?"

"A few," she answers, "but since coming here, I've made many more." She smiles at me and I try to smile back. We fall back into a rhythm of work and quiet settles between us once more. I try to work up the courage to ask her what I really want to know.

"Did you - ?" I swallow trying to loosen the feeling of glue in my throat. "In Erudite, did you know someone our age named Eric?"

She is quiet for so long that I am sure that I've over-stepped my boundaries. I don't look at her until she finally answers. "Yes, I knew him. Well, _of_ him. We did not speak personally, although he was in several of my classes at school. Why do you ask?"

I take a deep breath before I answer her. I decide to tell her the truth – as vaguely as possible. "I met him the other day. I just wondered if maybe you could tell me more about him." She stares at me blankly and I trail off. "Or something..."

She assesses me for a while and I feel the stress of suspicion. Eventually she turns away and answers my question. "He was a genius, to be sure. A favorite of Jeanine's actually. But being at the top changed him. Made him cruel. Vicious. It's no surprise that he transferred to Dauntless.

"Oh." It's all I can think of to say. "Thank you."

We relapse back into silence and nothing more is spoken between us.

**XXXX**

In my dream I stand on the roof of a building. The wind blows back my hair but it is not strong enough to worry me. I look down and notice that I am wearing dark denim jeans and a black tank top. The city lights twinkle in the night. I hear footsteps and turn to see Eric standing behind me. I smile and walk toward him. He wraps his arms around me and I am so close that I can feel his heart beat against my chest. His lips touch mine, lightly at first and then with more pressure. As we kiss on the rooftop, all of the city lights are extinguished into their curfew darkness. We embrace in the blackness.

I wake with my pillow in my mouth and cough at the uncomfortable dryness. I sit up with a sigh and untangle myself from my sheets. The nearby clock reads just after midnight, but I am so awake now that I know more sleep is out of the question. I get out of bed and change into something more proper to wear. Slipping out of the dorm and into the hallway, I try not to let the floor creak too loudly and pray I don't wake anyone. Outside the cool night air calms me, smelling like earth and fruit and familiarity. I walk for a long time in the darkness, trying to dispel the anxious energy that consumes me. I am afraid that I have made the wrong choice. Eventually, I find myself at the fence. I hadn't realized that I'd been heading in this direction.

I stare at the gate without any real plan of action. Footsteps sound nearby and my heart pounds wildly. I turn and am greeted by flashlight beams to the eyes. I flinch and the lights lower. In front of me are two female Dauntless guards. They are older than me, but not by much. A year or two maybe.

"What are you doing here?" one of them asks. "This area is off-limits at this time of night."

I nod. "I understand that," I say, trying to smile. "I just couldn't sleep, so I'm talking a walk." In the distance I hear the train's whistle and have the sudden desire for wind in my face. "I thought maybe if I sat on the train for a while..." I trail off, realizing how ridiculous I must sound.

The blonde Dauntless raises her eyebrows at me. "Unusual request for an Amity."

I shrug, "I've got a lot on my mind. I wanted some quiet."

The girls look at each other and then nod slightly. "Alright," says the first girl with a sigh. "We'll let you through. But if you aren't back before our shift ends, you're in big trouble. You have two hours."

I grin and hug them both in excitement. "Thank you, thank you, thank you!"

They pull open the gate so that it is wide enough for me to slip through. "I'm Belle, by the way," I say.

"Emily," says the blonde with a smile. I shake her hand.

"Samantha," says the other.

I thank them again and hurry through the gate.


	4. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

The winds whips my braid behind me as I sit with my legs overhanging the floor of the train. I should be afraid to sit here but somehow it seems natural to me. I hold tightly to the bar by the door as the train enters a curve. I avoid falling out and as a reward the dark city unfolds before me, looming masses of shadow, steel and stone. It is beautiful; stoic and silent. I lean against the edge of the door and sigh happily. Out here, removed from faction and family, out here all alone, I finally feel at ease. The train slows and I see a figure standing near the tracks. I pull myself back into the car and hide in the shadows. The person by the tracks jumps in, pulling themselves into the train car with practised ease. I shrink back, but this new person is so close that it won't be long before they notice me. The train picks up speed and I stumble, falling right into the arms of the person that I was trying to avoid. The man responds defensively and I am slammed against a wall. In spite of myself I let out a terrified squeak.

"Who are you and what do you want?" He growls at me. Although I can't see him in the dark, he is so close that I can feel his breath on my face. I recognize his voice. It is the voice that haunts my dreams. My heart stops beating and I forget how to breathe. He shakes me violently when I don't answer and my head bounces off the wall. Dazed, I stare in the dark where his face should be. A beam of moonlight enters the car, lighting the side of his face and mine. I watch as recognition appears in his dark eyes. He loosens his grip on me, but not by much.

"You again?" He frowns, "Are you following me?"

Nervous giggles erupt from me. "I should point out that I was already here, when you arrived."

He growls again and releases me. As he steps back, I suddenly feel cold. I hadn't realized how much warmth his body had been radiating until it was gone. I sigh and rub my hand up and down my arms to warm them back up and lean leisurely against the wall. "I'm Belle," I say, sinking down to the floor, so that I'm sitting across from him. He looks up at me, staring blankly, "I know." He doesn't say anything else. My heart flutters. _This boy is bad for my health, _I think suddenly. _If this keeps up I'm going to develop and arrhythmia._

"Umm... Eric?"

"What?" His voice is edged with annoyance and I have to fight the urge to hug him.

"Can I ask what you're doing here?" I wipe my hands on my red denim pants and bite my lip in anticipation.

He shakes his head. "You're one to talk. What's an Amity doing on a train in the middle of the night?"

He answered my question with another question. Does that mean he has something to hide? Or is he up to something and won't talk about it in an effort to avoid conflict with me? I chew on the inside of my bottom lip and realize that these are all Amity qualities. As far as I know, Eric has none. I lean my head back against the wall and look up at the darkness of the ceiling. "I couldn't sleep," I say after a while. "I just wanted to get away."

I don't wait for him to say anything this time. Instead, I swing myself around so I am sitting as I as before, with my legs overhanging the floors edge. I keep my muscles taut and grip the bar tightly to avoid falling into the fast moving wheels. The wind whips my face until it is almost numb and I know that my cheeks must be bright red. I feel movement and turn my head to see Eric sitting next to me, gripping the floor for balance rather than the other side of the door. It makes me happy that he chose to sit next to me, rather than leave a few feet between us. His leg brushes against mine and I'm suddenly hoping for a curve in the train tracks, for him to need to grab hold of my to avoid falling. The wind had numbed me, but now my cheeks feels hot.

"I couldn't sleep either." His voice is so low that I almost don't hear it over the whistling of the wind. I want to say something, want to comfort him, but I can see that we are approaching the fence. It's my stop. I have to leave. Tears suddenly burn in my eyes. I pull myself to my feet and shake my head.

"I have to go now," I say, when he looks up at me. "If I don't get back soon I'll get in trouble." I can see the fence now and the dead trees beyond it. The train begins to slow. "Can I see you again, sometime?" I ask, trying not to let my voice waver. He nods after a moment. I smile and jump off of the train.

**XXXX**

"Feeling any better?" Emily asks as I slip through the gate into the Amity compound.

I smile at her and nod. "Yes. I think that was exactly what I needed." I pause, unsure of how to ask for what I want. "I think I'd like to do this more often."

Emily and Sam look at me in surprise for a moment and I blush. Their expressions make me feel as though I've grown another head. Slowly, Emily nods. "Well, we work this shift every three days and day shifts sometimes. Come back on Wednesday night and I'll give you a copy of our schedule."

"Thank you!" I almost hug her, but then I remember that that's not a Dauntless tradition. To my surprise, she pulls me into a quick embrace herself. At least now I know that the Dauntless are okay with displays of affection.

"So what's his name?" Sam asks me with a grin.

The heat rises into my cheeks and I sputter, trying to tell them it has nothing to do with a boy. I fail and they smile at me knowingly.

"Pretty daring of you, what with the whole 'Faction before Blood' rule. I wouldn't expect such behavior from an Amity." Sam smirks at me. "Are you sure you're not in the wrong faction, Belle?"

I shake my head. "Technically, I'm not _in_ a faction yet. I'm only an initiate. But I'm comfortable where I am."

She nods. "Yeah, yeah. I get it. So, was this guy in Amity before he transferred? You must have known him a long time to risk so much."

"Actually, we barely know each other. He was in Erudite."

Their eyes grow wide and the stare at me for a long time before speaking. "He's not..._ factionless_, is he?" Emily whispers. Her voice is a combination of awe and scandal.

I shake my head again. "No. He's in Dauntless, actually. And if you two are any indication, the Dauntless don't mind breaking the rules."

They open their mouths, but there is nothing they can say to argue with that. Sam claps a hand on my shoulder, the look in her

eyes serious. "Be careful, Belle."

I give her my most reassuring smile. "Don't worry. I will be. See you Wednesday."

I wave goodbye and walk back to my dorm.

**XXXX**

By the time breakfast rolls around, I have only slept for four hours, but I feel impossibly bright. The ability to face the day with hope in your heart is something that cannot be taught. Hope, like trust, must be cultivated and maintained. My hope has been handed to me by a small group of Dauntless who were willing to set aside the differences between us and treat me as one of their own. I haven't been so happy in a long time.

I hum as I peel my orange and Coloe gives me a strange look, like this behavior is unnatural. And maybe it is – for me anyway – but this is Amity. Happiness is commonplace. It is like air and earth; plentiful and replenishable.

"What?" I ask her with a grin. "You've never seen a happy Amity before?" I stick my tongue out at her, trying to lighten the mood.

Coloe stares for a moment before smiling. "Sarcasm isn't kind, Belle." She smears a fingerful of peanut butter on my cheek and we burst out into laughter. After I'd cleaned it off, she pulls me into a hug. "I'm glad you've found something to cheer you up," she whispers in my ear.

And I have. I've made so many new friends.

My heart is so full, I fear it might burst.


	5. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

The chickens gather around us as we scatter feed for them. One of them flaps her wings against my leg and I laugh as the feathers tickle my skin. I offer her a handful of grain and she pecks at it hungrily while I stroke her small feathered back. To my right, the transfer initiates are chattering while they work. "Did you know," I hear Coloe saying, "That the technical term for the practice of breeding and raising livestock is animal husbandry?"

"Sure," says one of the Candor transfers, "That's why when you get married they call the man your husband; because you have to groom and care for him like an animal!"

The group of girls bursts into laughter. While the association is unkind, there are no men around to hear it, so I can't complain. A smile tugs at the corners of my lips. The sound of their laughter makes me happy, but right now I'm too anxious about tonight to let myself relax among them. Coloe walks over to me a squeezes my shoulder. "You're awfully quiet today," she says.

I blush and try to think of an excuse. "Sorry," I say. "It's just that these chickens are so cute!" I pick up the one I've been petting and cradle her in my arms.

Coloe gives me a dubious look. "Of all the adjectives you could have picked, you went with cute?"

I laugh and place the chicken back on the ground. "You don't agree?"

She shakes her head. "That is not the descriptor I would have chosen." I laugh again as her relaxed speech slips back into Erudite formal.

You can take a person out of the faction, but you can never truly take the faction out of the person.

As she tugs me back over to the group, I realize something. Being around the transfers calms me in a way that the initiates I've known my whole life do not. We work together; a web of different customs and ideals, all striving toward the same goal. It feels like freedom at last.

**XXXX**

Late that night I meet Sam and Emily by the gate for the first time since we'd met. The three short days had felt like years. They greet me warmly and Emily pulls a piece of paper from her pocket, with dates and times scrawled on it. "Our schedule," she says with a dramatic flourish as she hands the paper over.

I grin and thank her. "So, I guess this means we're official partners in crime," I say.

Sam throws her arm over my shoulder and leads me over to the closed gate. "No," she says, "It means that now you get to open the gate for yourself and we get to watch and pretend that we don't notice you."

I laugh, "Sounds fair, I guess." I pull open the heavy gate door and slip back into the city.

The sound of the approaching train makes my body thrum with anticipation. It slows and I run along with it, jumping with difficulty and pulling myself inside. I lean against the wall and pant in exhaustion. "You okay?" A voice sounds from the shadows and I watch as Eric appears in front of me. I find myself reaching out to touch his face. "You're here," I murmur as my fingers cup his cheeks. "I wasn't sure if you'd come."

"I've been waiting for you," he says. Butterflies erupt in my stomach and my fingers grip his face more tightly. He flinches slightly and I realize that I've been pressing on the dark colored bruises marring his pale skin. I let go, but I'm afraid that if I don't continue to touch him he'll disappear. I drop my hands so that they're resting on his chest.

"I'm sorry," I say, staring at my fingers as they smooth the fabric of his shirt. "I wanted to be here every night, but I couldn't get out." I look up and find that he's staring at me. My heart begins race and I nervously take a step back. "Umm, but I have the schedule here," I say, pulling the paper from my pocket. His eyes skim over the dates and times and he nods.

"Then I can expect you during these times?" His dark eyes hold mine.

"If you want me to, I'll be here." I wanted to speak firmly , but my voice comes out as a breath.

"I want you here," he says, tucking a piece of hair behind my ear. I forget how to breathe. _Again_. I lift my head and dare to kiss the side of his jaw. Maybe he's just in shock at my audacity, but he doesn't push me away. I press my lips to his neck and hold them there until the need to breathe pulls me away. His arms wrap around me, fingers sliding up and down my lower back. I don't know why but I seem to know what I'm doing; seem to be comfortable with this, even though I've never been this close to anyone before. I move my head so that I can look at him and my lips are immediately captured by his. There is strength and power in him. And violence, but that doesn't bother me. A sound escapes me; one that I can't name and I realize that I want to take his power and make it mine. He shifts, pushing me harder against the wall of the train car. The ribbed metal presses painfully into my back but after a moment I can no longer feel it. There is only him and me; fire and ice. He's stolen all the air again and I let each gasp be swallowed by his lips. Eventually he pulls away and and I bite my lip with a dissatisfied sigh. When I finally open my eyes, I find him watching me carefully. The hunger is gone from his eyes and I wonder how he manages to turn it off so easily. My insides are still on fire. I take a deep breath. This, whatever it is, is over for tonight. That much is clear.

"I -" I try to say something but he shakes his head. That's fine. I didn't know what I was going to say anyway. The train begins to slow and he stands. I can't tell where we are in the darkness, but it must be close to the Dauntless compound because he jumps out, leaving me alone. I travel the rest of the way home in silence.


	6. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five**

_Falling to pieces._

It's the only thought that floats through my brain as I watch the second tick by on the face of the clock. I look down at the paper I'm supposed to be in filling out; the medical exam that will allow me to train to be an Amity Nurse. It is blank. The problem is not a lack of knowledge. I'd been studying hard for this moment for years. The problem is that I'm a complete emotional wreck right now. I place my head in my hands, glad that the Amity do not put time limits on their tests. I take a deep breath, focus my attention on the impossible whiteness of the paper under the florescent lights, and answer the questions in tiny curlicues of script.

I haven't seen Eric for almost two weeks, despite riding the train back and forth for so long that I'd nearly gotten caught sneaking in and out of the compound. It was wrecking my ability to focus on anything; ruining my chances to remain in my faction. It was getting harder and harder to fake the smiles. Kindness is for the happy and the caring. It is no longer for me. It is the middle of the day but I hide in the dorm and scream into my pillow. _I want to see you._ I am becoming more and more selfish with each and every breath. _I _need_to see you._ It is making me unkind. I hear the transfer initiates chattering as the walk down the hallway. This isn't the transfer dorm, so they must be looking for me. I slip out of the back exit to avoid them and rush toward the women's bathroom. It is empty and the tile feels cool on my bare feet. I take of my clothes and turn on one of the showers. It is a waste of resources to shower when you don't need to bathe, but I really need this right now. I sit on the floor and let the icy water drown out my tears. For the next five minutes at least I could let myself be unhappy.

**XXXX**

The wind whips my face, burning my cheeks and stinging the wet trail left behind by my tears. I don't know why I still come. Don't know why I'm lying to Sam and Emily; lying to myself. This is over. It must be or he would be here, wouldn't he? Stupid. Falling for a guy known for his cruelty is stupid. And then I see him. Waiting at the edge of the tracks. He pulls himself into my car without any difficulty and greets me with a smile. My eyes flood with tears and I stand. The sound my fist makes when it collides with his jaw, echoes through the quiet night. I can hear nothing else. He looks at me in surprise and then grins.

"You really should have chosen Dauntless, you know," he says, "You would have done well."

I shake my head. "No, I wouldn't have. I wasn't brave enough to follow you."

He pulls me into his arms and even though I still want to hate him, all of my anger melts away, replaced by the sound of his steadily beating heart. We sink to the floor and I stay silently wrapped in his arms for a long time. "Where did you go?" I whisper against his chest. "I looked for you."

His fingers tangle themselves in my hair while his other hand strokes my back. He doesn't answer. "Eric?" His hands drop so that they squeeze both of my arms. I clench my teeth and refuse to cry out. He releases me just as suddenly.

"Training," he mumbles, as though reluctant to tell me. "That _Stiff_! Thinks he's so great. Got a luck shot in and wrecked my jaw." He takes my face in his hands and stares at me fervently. "But I'm going to destroy him. I swear!"

I cover his hands with my own. "I know you will." I reach out and gently stroke his still bruised jaw. "Though I wish you'd be more careful. It seems like you always have a bruise here." I kiss his cheek. "Why don't you teach me?"

He gives me a confused look. "Teach you?"

I nod. "Teach me how to fight! I know you probably don't need the help, but sometimes going over things with others makes you see things differently. Maybe if you teach me, we can come up with some new techniques." He looks away and I realize that I haven't sold my point. "Plus, if you teach me then the other initiates won't be seeing you fight. You'll be able to take them off guard because you can change your style without letting them see you train."

He looks back at me with an expression that shows he sees a stroke of brilliance in my words. If he notices their selfish intent behind them he doesn't comment. He grins at me. "Alright. Let's do it."

**XXXX**

I fall to the ground with a strangled sound that seems to be cross between a grunt and a scream. Eric looks as frustrated as I feel. I stand and brush the mud off of my ass.

"You're holding your body completely wrong," he says. A flash of metal glints in his eyebrow as a beam of moonlight illuminates us and I bite my lip. Between the subtle piercings and the coils of black ink undulating on his arms, I feel like I can't breathe. He is changing – or maybe he's just letting himself be himself. Either way it's driving me mad.

He stands behind me and slips his arms around me, so that my fists are captured in his hands. He pulls me arm back with his showing me the correct way to punch through the air. I try to focus on how my muscles should feel through each movement but he is too close and I can't think. Then he tells me to kick, so I swing my leg up. He catches it; his body the only force keeping me from falling to the ground. His fingers are around my knee and his other hand molds to my hip. He is telling me the proper way to move my leg but all I can feel is his hand as it slides a little farther up my thigh. My breath catches in my throat. He has stopped talking. I move my head to look at him and see something like hunger and restraint in his eyes. He must have realized where is hand is. My heart picks up speed and suddenly I feel too hot, though the night is cool. His hand leaves my hip and cradles my head as he lowers me to the ground. His lips capture mine and the next thing, I know he's hovering above me, showing kisses on my face, neck and shoulders. They are not calculated movements as I'd come to associate with him; they are random and wild.

_It's too fast._

"Stop," I say, trying to get his attention. "Eric, stop." His fingers bury into my shoulders. It's too hard. I cry out in pain. "Eric, that's enough!" He doesn't stop. For the first time, I feel fear in his presence. But the fear doesn't last long; it changes, manifesting itself in anger. It becomes power. I push him off of me and lay into him with all the fury and worry of the last few days. With rage as my focus, fighting isn't that hard. Eric rolls away from my tirade and gets to his feet. He swings back and I move, but not fast enough. He fist slams into the side of my face. I let out a scream and pounce at him like an animal, willing to claw, maim and bite my way to victory. But he is stronger and subdues me easily. I scream again, but he laughs. I feel it vibrate through his chest and somehow calm down.

"I knew you could do it," he says. "You just needed the proper motivation." I hold my breath. He's right. I had needed to be angry to fight. And it had felt so, so good to be angry. The thought should scare me, but I find it more exhilarating than anything I'd ever done. Anger and violence were the greatest of Amity's taboos. Eric leans in a presses a soft kiss to my lips. "Well done," he whispers against my lips. "But I think it's time we call it a night."


	7. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six**

"What happened to your face?!" Emily's voice is full of concern as they open the gate to let me through. Until meeting them I hadn't thought that the Dauntless could be kind. I wonder how may other misconceptions we have between factions. I shrug and Sam takes hold of my arm, her expression grave.

"If he's hurting you..." The threat hangs in the air and I smile at her, grateful.

"It's fine, really. I was learning how to fight," I explain, "I'm not very good at it."

Emily pouts but Sam lets go of me. "I hope you know what you're doing," she says.

I nod and flash her a grin. "I'm having fun," I answer and disappear into the orchard.

**XXXX**

There are three people by the tracks tonight. I shrink into the shadows, but only one jumps into our meeting car. Eric has a backpack with him and I shoot him a quizzical look. He grins at me, radiating genuine happiness. He crouches down and opens the pack. Inside are two bulky shapes that look like guns. I frown.

"Paintball," he says, "We're going to play a game."

His words sink in and I smile. "Okay."

He rummages in the bag and tosses pieces of fabric at me. "Put these on," he says. "Lucas and Kate, think you're Dauntless and that you're already waiting for us at Navy Pier."

My eyes widen as I realized the implications. We could get in a lot of trouble for this. "How did you get these?" I ask, running my fingers over the black clothing.

He shrugs, "I guessed at your size and spent some of my clothing points."

"Won't people ask questions?" I am pondering on this system. It is so different from Amity where we all share the clothing; owning everything and nothing together.

Eric shakes his head and I see the glint of new piercings in his ears. "The Dauntless don't ask questions," he replies. "Better hurry, we'll be there soon."

I blush and order him to turn around, before turning away myself. I slip out of my yellow shorts and pull on the dark jeans; lace up the black sneakers. I pull off my red t-shirt and stumble, dropping the black tank-top to the floor. I reach for it but the train curves and I fall backward. Eric catches me and my face burns, my cheeks so red they must glow in the dark. He presses his lips to my bare shoulder and I bite my lip. _We really need to stop doing this_, I think suddenly. _We'll only get hurt_. But then his fingers brush over the skin of my stomach and everything else disappears. The black shirt slides to my feet and I force myself to pull away from him to pull it on.

The sleeveless shirt barely covers more skin than my bra, but the fabric over my stomach is enough to sober us. Eric takes my Amity clothing and stuffs it into the backpack. He hands me one of the paintball guns, already loaded and ready; it is heavier than I expected and feels unnatural in my palms. "Time to get off," Eric says, his voice low in my ears, and we jump off the train.

I feel different; in tight black clothing, a gun in my hands. It feels good.

"So what's the plan?" I ask, as we walk in the dark across swamp land.

"We're playing capture the flag," Eric says. "The other two assume that I'm meeting you here, so they'll be heading in this direction. Our goal is to take the flag from them." He takes a small square of fabric out of his pocket. It glows slightly. "Do you want to hold it or should I?"

"You hold it," I say. "You've done this before."

He nods. "Oh and it's ten shots before you're out of the game," he says. "We had to make it more than one because it's only two on two."

"Okay," I laugh. "Assuming I an actually hit them."

"You'll be fine," he says and I feel pride at his faith in me. "Just remember to hold your breath when you fire. It'll keep your aim steady."

"So, now what?"

He grins, "Now we wait for them to catch up."

It doesn't take long. From my vantage point, high in a tree, it is easy for me to spot them as the pair makes their way into the moonlit clearing; a boy and a girl: Lucas and Kate. Whoever they are, they aren't very stealthy. Maybe that was why Eric picked them. I signal to him and Eric nods, then begins to climb out of his tree. We could just destroy them now, but that would be too easy. Eric has reached the ground now, but I stay in my tree. He fires at them and hits the girl in the shoulder. Our opponents stop moving and scan the foliage. Eric moves north a couple hundred yards and shoots again, catching Kate in the thigh this time. They run toward him, firing a couple of blind rounds into the dark. I shoot, but miss. They don't notice me.

I raise the gun again, take a deep breath and fire. I hit the boy between the shoulder blades. He whirls around and runs in my direction. I leap out of the tree and run. Adrenaline courses through my veins like fire and I sprint through the forest like a hunted animal. I can feel him close behind me, raising his weapon. The shot hits me in the back of my left shoulder and I have to bite my tongue to avoid crying out in pain. I hadn't expected it to hurt so much. The metallic taste of blood fills my mouth, but I don't stop running. I weave among the shrubbery so that he can't fix a lock on my and hide behind a tree when I'm sure he's lost track of me. He approaches my hiding spot slowly and it is so quiet that I'm surprised that he can't hear the thundering of my heart.

"Come out, come out, wherever you are." He chants the words like a song. I pull my arms tighter to my body, trying to be as small as possible. He passes me and I can see the glow of his team's flag in his back pocket. I raise my gun, hoping to get in all nine shots before he can respond. I manage four.

He whirls around and I'm sure that he's going to shoot me, but instead he runs at me, pinning me between the tree and his body. "My, my," he says with a grin, "you're a pretty one, aren't you?"

I struggle against him but his grip tightens and now I can't move at all. The barrel of his gun rests against my forehead. I know that the weapon won't kill me, but the pain if he pulls the trigger will likely knock me out. Fear pulses through me.

Using his weight to keep me still, Lucas runs his free hand through my hair, tugging painfully when his fingers reach the tips. I don't give him the satisfaction of crying out.

"This isn't how you play this game," I" say through gritted teeth.

He smiles at me, "Who said we're still playing the same game? Plenty of time to do other things before your flag makes its way to me."

_He's doing this to lure Eric in!_ A part of me recognizes how smart that is; the rest of me is still afraid. He didn't seem to be lying about wanting other things.

"You're not Dauntless, are you?" he asks, hot breath in my ear. I tense up. _How could he possibly know that?!_"I've made a point of getting to know all of the initiates by name and face," he explains, seeing my shock. "And you are definitely _not_ one of them."

I scowl. This is something Eric should have known before inviting him along.

"So what's your name?" Lucas asks.

I decide to answer in the hopes that I can distract him long enough for Eric to find us. "Belle."

"Belle, huh?" He smiles. "Pretty name for a pretty girl." He leans in closer like he's gonna kiss me and I tighten my lips into a line. He whispers into my ear again instead. "You factionless, Belle?" I glare at him, refusing to answer and he sighs. "Fine, then. Be that way."

His expression changes from almost pleasant to borderline feral. He leans in close. "Any last words, pretty girl?"

I grin at him. "Just two," I answer and his eyebrows pull together in confusion. "I win," I whisper.

He pulls back and realizes that while he was talking I'd managed to free my hands and slip the flag out of his pocket.

I hold it up with a satisfied grin.

_Game over, Lucas._

**Author's Note:** I have five more chapters but I'm uploading them more slowly here than on FB. R&R if you'd like them a bit faster. Thank you so much for reading~


	8. Chapter 7

**Author's Note:**Thanks for the guest review~ I look forward to getting more, but in the meantime thank you to everyone who takes the time to read this!

**Chapter Seven**

Eric had not been happy to learn of Lucas' antics during the game, but his pride in me had overridden that emotion. He had kept my Dauntless clothing, but the small glowing flag is kept under a floorboard beneath my bed. I smile at the memory of it s I enter the dining hall and sit between Coloe and Camie. Coloe lights up as I settle into the seat and launches into a story about a boy one of the other initiates has a crush on. I smile, but find it hard to focus on her chatter until she says, "... passed! Isn't that great?"

I snap out of my daze and look at her blankly. "Sorry, what's great?"

She frowns at me. "Haven't you been listening at all? I said you passed your medical exam! That means you start training as a nurse!" She hugs me and I grin.

As it turns out, Coloe has started with the crush story because he's the one who had the test results. I smile at Zachary as he tells me the news and try not to act overly excited. Some of the initiates had failed, after all, and that would be unkind.

I can't wait until I can see Eric so that I can gloat!

**XXXX**

"Congratulations!" Sam and Emily chorus their praise and I grin.

"So I guess you're going to be trained by Erudite, then?" Sam asks.

I nod, "I start Thursday at the hospital. But I won't be learning as much as I'd like. I'd have to be an Erudite for that."

"But you're smart enough for them to want to train you," Emily chimes in, "That's Erudite enough."

I nod again. It suddenly occurs to me that the nurses of the Amity and Dauntless are the only members expected to fall on the borders of two factions; or rather they're the only ones allowed. I wonder if that should worry me.

I thank them for their help and walk back into the city.

**XXXX**

I am buzzing with happy energy as i approach the tracks. But it doesn't last. I see him as soon as as I pull myself into the car and immediately know that something is wrong. He sits against the wall and doesn't look up at me as I approach. I sit across from him and a chill runs down my spine. His eyes hold a deadened look.

"What happened?" I whisper.

He looks at me but says nothing. I shift closer, wrapping my arms around him and stroking his hair. The rings in his ears are like ice to my fingers.

"You can tell me anything," I say. "I won't judge you."

He looks at me for a moment and opens his mouth. But then he clamps it shut and turns away. I press my lips to his cheek and hold him for a long time. "I love you, you know." My voice comes out too quiet. I speak into his neck, unable to watch his expression. "I love you. And it hurts me to see you this way. Hurts me to be unable to help you." He is quiet for a long time. I don't expect him to tell me he loves me too; hadn't said it for that reason. I just want to see the light back in his eyes.

"I killed someone," he says suddenly. His voice cracks with emotion. "I killed my initiation Instructor." He holds his breath and waits for my reaction.

A cold spreads through me and it is several moments before I place it as fear. All of the accusations of his cruelty flood into my mind and I begin to wonder what he's like when he's not with me. I swallow and when I speak it is a struggle to keep my voice even. "Why?"

That was not the reaction he was expecting and though I'm not looking at his face, I feel his emotions change. He relaxes slightly. "He was waiting for me by the tracks, "he says, "to warn me not to come out._Somebody_ told him that I'd been meeting you." I shudder and wonder if it was Lucas. "We argued for a bit and then he had the audacity to tell me that sneaking out might be the reason that I ranked second to that_Stiff_!" He is shouting now, his hands curled into fists. "And then, I don't know, I just lost it! Next thing I know, he's dead by the tracks and the train was coming." He starts shaking and I tighten my grip around him.

"Thank you," I say, pressing a kiss to his lips. I am just as grateful that he told me the truth as I am that he defended me.

"You're not upset that I'm second best?" he says bitterly, latching on to the slightly more comfortable topic.

"I would love you, even if you were last."

That's the third time I've said it. I don't know what's wrong with me. I shift so that I'm sitting in his lap and we kiss for a long time, before I pull away and rest my head against his chest. "I'm going to be a nurse," I say. It no longer feels important, but I still want to say it. "I passed the preliminary medical examination." There is pride in his eyes when he pulls my mouth back to his. We are a matched set, he and I; good and bad; light and dark. Ying and Yang.

"I love you, Belle."


	9. Chapter 8

**_***Obligatory Author's Note***_**

This chapter contains mild sexual themes.

**Chapter Eight**

_Fifteen days, four hours, twelve minutes and thirty-six seconds._

That's how long it's been since I last saw Eric. I walk through the hospital's halls and try not to think about it. There is a black hole in my chest where my heart used to be. I reach the lobby where a child is crying. My instincts tell me to hold her and say comforting things in her ear, but she is an Abnegation child and that would be inappropriate. So instead I kneel before her, wipe the tears off of her cheeks and murmur to her until she calms down and the doctor comes to see her. I stand back up and wish that I could cry also, but I still have a lot of work to do today. Again, I try not to think, but it is hard not to when surrounded by Erudite.

The pain is not as sharp today, but it is more present than it ever has been. Each breath is like drowning in lukewarm water. I'd even gone so far as to ask Emily and Sam to look into it for me. All they could tell me was that he'd picked a government job and hadn't been seen much lately. They'd tried their best to cheer me up, but I think this is something I'll just have to slowly get over on my own. I hope I feel better soon though. I've been getting irritable and I'd hate to land myself in the Conflict Room. My shift ends and I catch a bus back to the Amity compound, trying to keep a smile on my face to avoid any prying questions. I feign fatigue and rest my head against window, letting the numb emptiness overtake me.

The chatter stops as we approach the gate and one of the Dauntless guards steps onto the bus. I don't recognize him but he asks for me by name and hands me a small envelope with my name in a tiny scrawl across the white face. I don't recognize the writing but something about it makes my heart leap into my throat. The other Amity give me strange looks, so I purposefully scowl at the paper, so that they think asking would hurt my feelings more than knowing what the issue is. It occurs to me that it is incredibly easy to manipulate people when you know the way that they think. I used to think like them, but lately I feel more and more distanced from the Amity lifestyle. I wonder what's happening to me? I don't think I know who I am anymore.

Back in my apartment, I tear open the envelope, read it, scrunch it up and throw it against the wall. Pick it up, smooth it out, hug it to my chest. Ball it up and toss it again. I open my sock drawer and run my fingers over the small square of glowing fabric. _Should I go?_ I can't decide.

The note read as follows:

_ Belle,_

_ Meet me in the usual place at eleven._

_ We need to talk._

_ -E_

I want to go. I don't want to go. I hate you. I love you. _I need you_. I want to see you.

I arrive at the gate shortly before eleven.

**XXXX**

"You can't possibly be serious!" Emily is looking at me like I've lost my head.

"Em's right, Belle," Sam says. "It's probably not the best idea."

I shake my head, tears burning at the corners of my eyes. "I have to go. I have to give him a chance to explain."

"I think this is a bad idea, Belle. He doesn't exactly have a reputation for being a nice guy." I don't need Emily to point that out, but I do _need_ to see him. I need to know why he thought it was okay to tell me he loves me and then vanish from my life completely. And more than anything, I want to beat the crap out of him so that he can feel at least a little bit of the pain that's been plaguing me over the last two weeks.

Sam sees my expression and sighs. "Let her go, Em." She turns to me, "But is he pulls this again, we'll stop you with everything we've got, understood?"

I hug her and slip through the gate like so many times before.

**XXXX**

When I see him, I stop breathing. I had wanted to hit him with all of my strength but the moment his image hit my eyes it was like all of the energy drained from me and I sunk to the floor of the train without a word. He makes the first move, crossing over to me and pulling me into his arms. I don't resist like I want to and he strokes my hair, murmuring my name against the top of my head. I want to be angry. I want to be strong._ I want to stay like this forever._ I can't help it. I cry. He doesn't say anything while I sob, even though the tears soak through his shirt. After a while my incoherent gasping quiets to soft whimpering and he finally speaks. "I have something to tell you," he says, "But not here." He pulls me to my feet and leads me to the door, holding my hand as we jump out. He pulls me along through the city and up through a dark abandoned building to the roof. I gasp. It is the rooftop from my dream. Seems like years ago now. Eric lets go of my hand and walks over to the ledge, leaning against it and looking over the city. Silence falls.

"Why?" My voice barely makes any sound, but I can see it the way his muscles tighten that he heard me. No other words are necessary.

"I had to." He doesn't look at me.

"I don't believe that." I look at my feet.

He turns; I hear the movement in the silence. "I did. It was the only way to protect you." I look up, but his face is cast in darkness and I can't read his expression.

"To protect me," I repeat. It should have been a question but my voice falls too flat.

He sighs loudly. A sign that he doesn't want to explain. He does anyway. "I..." he trails off, makes a frustrated sound, continues. "I've been given an important task."

"You mean your government position? I heard you're a leader-in-training now." Bitterness slips into my voice before I can stop it. I don't know why. It's not like I'm jealous.

"That's part of it. It was necessary for me to be important." He runs a hand through his hair.

"Necessary? For what?" A chill runs down my spine. I am afraid to hear his answer. I hope that my voice doesn't betray me.

His voice is even quieter now. "I lied to you," he says. "About my instructor. I killed Amar on purpose."

My throat tightens. _On purpose. _What purpose?

He turns away again. "It was Jeanine's idea."

_Jeanine?_ Right, the leader of Erudite. But why? My bottom lip quivers and I'm glad he can't see. I don't want to fear him.

"Amar... He's... He _was _something called Divergent."

_Divergent?_ I want to ask what that is, but my throat feels so swollen that I can barely swallow.

"People who are Divergent have aptitudes for more than one faction," he explains, "and can manipulate simulations. It's easiest to find them in Dauntless where we use simulations regularly. There's more, but I haven't been given any specific instructions yet. I'm just supposed to get rid of any confirmed Divergents and make sure I stay in government."

"Why," I swallow and try to remove the croaking sound from my voice, "Why is that your job?"

He looks at me over his shoulder. "Because I was selected. Above everyone else, **_I_** was chosen." There is pride in is voice, but also a touch of sadness.

"I still don't understand why you need to protect me," I say, but I don't really believe in what I'm saying. I have a feeling that I already know.

He walks over and pulls me into his arms. "Belle," his voice is soft in my ear. "The person that I have to become isn't someone who you'll like."

"So what?!" My voice is muffled by his shirt. "What about what I want?"

His arms tighten and his voice is suddenly thick with emotion. "They'll kill you, Belle."

I pull back so that I can look at him, despite the tears in my eyes. "You're leaving, aren't you?" It's not a question. I already know the answer.

"I won't let them hurt you."

_**This**__ is hurting me._ But I can't say it because I know that he already knows that. Instead, I make a decision. An important decision. My hands slide down from his chest to wrap around his belt. "Then let me give you a final gift. Something only you can have."

His eyebrows raise, I can see the metal glint in the moonlight. "You know you can have sex with other people, right?"

I press my lips to his and speak against them. "No one else can be first." He kisses me back and pushes me against the wall.

When I had imagined what this would be like, I had pictured warmth and fluffy pillows; soft kisses and light caresses. This was none of that. It was cold night air and rough brick like sandpaper against my skin. It was better than I had imagined.

And I loved every minute of it.

**XXXX**

**Author's note:**

Thank you so much to TrueDragon117 and FourTris17 for the reviews and Artistpeace for the fave and follow!

I really appreciate it!

If you like please R&R~

Also, before you ask, this **won't** be lemons.

Thanks~


	10. Chapter 9

***** Obligatory Author's Note *****

This chapter includes references to Chapter 11 of Divergent by Veronica Roth. I do not claim ownership of this Content.

**Chapter Nine**

_Two years later._

The smell of the apple orchard has always been my favorite. The soft earthy tones mixing with the sharp sweetness, warmed by the green light filtering through the leaves. I take a deep breath and let it out in a sigh. It is days like this when I feel happiest, when the darkness that had been left behind doesn't make me wonder what might have been. Nearby, one of the new initiates is humming to himself as he picks red fruit from the branches. He wears a grey t-shirt and works carefully, helping the others without drawing too much attention to himself. It strikes me that the Abnegation are not that much different than the Abnegation. Not really. He fills his basket and catches my eye.

"Belle!" he waves me over with a smile. "What do we do with these when their full?"

"We'll take them over to those tables over there," I say, pointing across the orchard, "And then we'll crate them and bring them into the city for the other factions."

He nods and heads off in that direction with a smile. I turn around and walk back through the orchard calling to the initiates. They'd been working hard and now it was time to bring these fruits into the city. I always enjoy working with the transfer initiates and this particular group is especially vibrant. They gather together at the crating station, teasing each other about their harvesting capabilities. We sort out the apples into even quantities and load the crates into the truck. The initiates jump into the truck and I slide into the passenger seat beside Christopher, our driver. As always, the truck bounces along the road to the gate, where the Dauntless guards hurry to pull open the door. There have been more of them posted lately and I make a mental note to ask Emily and Sam what they know about that later. We drive through and Chris stops the truck and gets out to talk to one of the guards. I move in my seat to watch him in the driver's side mirror and see that there is a group clad in black, clustered near the fence – Dauntless initiates. I recognize the older boy who must be their instructor as the Abnegation transfer that Eric hated so much. It is strange that I would remember a face I saw only once two years ago at the choosing ceremony, but all of my memories of _him_ stand vividly in my mind. I search the faces, but he is not with them. I shouldn't be surprised, but my heart sinks anyway. I'm about to turn away when I hear the sound of the Abnegation transfers voice asking, "Beatrice?"

Robert jumps out of the car and approaches a small blonde girl standing among the Dauntless. He hugs her and she stiffens. My eyes shift to the others as they speak and I'm surprised by the angry and smug expressions on their faces. One of the larger girls teases the blonde and a twist of guilt coils in my stomach._This is why we couldn't be together. _I hear Robert telling the girl – Tris, she'd said – that if she wanted to she could go back to Abnegation. She shakes her head in anger. We both know that she can't. She is defending her choice when Christopher gets back in the truck. Tris says that her goal life isn't just to be happy and Robert answers that her life would be easier if it was. But I agree with Tris. Not everything worth doing leads to happiness. The truck starts again and we drive into the city. I look in the rear view mirror one last time and see the instructor talking to Emily. He walks away and approaches Tris. At first I think he's going to reprimand her, but the movements are too gentle. Nobody else seems to notice. In the distance I hear the train approaching.

**XXXX**

"Saw you talking to the Dauntless instructor the other day," I say to Emily, sipping my coffee.

She leans against the fence and tilts her head. "Who? Four?" I nod and she grins. "Yeah. He's cute, but a little too serious! He works in the Dauntless control room so he was just checking in."

I make a sound of agreement and stare into my mug. _Four, huh?_ It's nice to have a name. "That reminds me. Why all of the extra guards lately?"

She thinks for a moment and then says, "I don't know. They always had a couple of us watch the gate and a few more patrolling the fence, but it seems like they're expecting something to happen or something."

It should worry me that no one seems to know, but right now all I can think is that I'm glad that the new guards don't give the three of us any trouble. Of course, it helps that I bribe them by getting whatever objects or food that they want while they're working this shift. I sigh, a long drawn out exhale.

"Upset he didn't come with the initiates?" Sam arrives from her patrol and I fill another mug with coffee for her.

"I shouldn't be," I say, "I mean it's not like he ever comes here." I sigh again. "I just can't help it. Even though we parted on good terms... I just miss him."

Emily gives me a reassuring smile and Sam shrugs. They'd coaxed the whole story out of me so, except for Eric's secret, they knew everything that had gone on between us. And even knowing, they didn't judge me. I couldn't ask for better friends.

"You wouldn't like him now anyway," Sam says with a yawn. "He's mean, even by Dauntless standards. Makes me glad I spend a lot of time out here."

I nod, but she doesn't understand. _You don't know why he has to be like that._ This time I sigh inwardly. No matter how hard I try, I can't stop myself from defending him when I should be moving on instead. I'll never understand it.

Emily and Sam chatter back and forth but I've stopped listening. All it takes is a single thought to rip open the black hole in my chest. I wonder if anything will ever bring me true happiness again. I picture cold, rough brick and warm fingertips.

_No. Nothing will ever make me feel like that._

_Never again._


	11. Chapter 10

*** Obligatory Author's Note ***

The chapter references the beginning of Insurgent by Veronica Roth. **_Insurgent Spoilers will continue from now on!_**

**Chapter Ten**

I wake to the sound of shouting in the hallways and panic fills my chest. Arguments rarely break out here. I jump out of bed and run into the hall wearing just a t-shirt. A man is yelling in an angry voice that all of the Dauntless guards had abandoned their posts and a woman is trying to calm him down. Murmurs of concern travel along the group that has gathered to see what was happening. Security arrives to keep the peace and slowly the crowd wanders back to bed. A pit has formed in the bottom of my stomach, turning all of my insides to lead. I lie down on my bed and stare at the ceiling. My mind runs through all kinds of worrisome reasons for their disappearances.

There will be no more sleep for me tonight.

**XXXX **

A few hours pass before the commotion begins. A loud rapping sounds against my door and I hear Coloe's panicked voice muffled through the wood. "Belle! Belle, you have to get up! Hurry!" She raps several more times and I run over to the door. Her face is ashen and her eyes are wet with tears. "Oh, Belle! It's horrible!"

"What happened, Coloe?" My voice sounds strained and my throat tightens. A feeling of dread courses through me and I know that I will not like the answer.

"The Abnegation," she gasps, "They were attacked! By the Dauntless!" My whole body goes cold.

"What – What do you mean?"

The tears start streaming down her face. "They're dead, Belle. They're all dead!"

"No." I shake my head and she hugs me, sobbing against my shoulder. "That's impossible. That's – This is not happening right now!"

"It gets worse! They say that Erudite's behind it!" Coloe cries. "The survivors say that all of the Dauntless are under a simulation! That Erudite took control of them all to destroy the government!"

She collapses into incoherent hysterics and I hold her feeling numb. I know that as a nurse I should go to them and help with the injuries, but all I can think about is Eric. I don't know how, but I know, I _know_, that he has something to do with this. And I'm terrified. Coloe slowly comes back to her senses, realizing that as members of Amity it is our job to take care of the survivors and protect them from the horrors of war. I throw on a change of clothes and we go to help.

The walk to the dining hall where the survivors are being cared for is the longest of my life. Each step drains all of my energy from me until I am nothing more than an empty shell. When we arrive, I don't expect to feel anything. I think that I'm already as numb as I can possibly be. I am wrong.

The sight of them is like running face first into a brick wall.

At first glance, they are a fair sized group, a mix of adults and children clad in grey. And then you realize that they are all that is left. That all of the others are dead. The throat is tight and my eyes are burning._Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry._ The Abnegation do not appear to be in distress. They hide their pain and they try to deny our help. Coming here was bad enough, but requiring our help is drawing more attention to themselves than they would like. I try to be mindful of their customs as I weave among them, but it is heartbreaking to see how they feel forced to mask their emotions. I wish they would let themselves feel. There's no way this can be healthy. They are silent as I tend to their wounds and say little unless asked direct questions. After a while I stop asking. Their answers are all polite, turning away from themselves and onto the needs of others. I will not get any real information from them. Even the children are exceptionally quiet; their tears stream silently, so that no attention is drawn to them. When I can't take any more, I walk over to the hospital ward under the pretence of gathering more supplies.

The walk allows me some room to breath but I still feel empty. The door closes behind me and I sigh, running my hands over my face. It takes all my effort not to sob but a small whimper escapes me anyway.

"It's terrible, isn't it?" A woman's voice speaks to me and I remove my hands from my face in embarrassment. I hadn't notice Johanna when I walked in.

I shake my head to clear my thoughts. My voice cracks when I speak. "I can't even... I can't imagine the horror!" I break down into sobs, and Johanna hugs me. "And I'm worried about the Dauntless. What it'll be like for them when they wake up." Hot resentment courses through me. How could anyone be so _evil._ But it was not immorality that drove this. It was fear. Fear of doing the work themselves. And fear of something else. Something unspoken.

"Why, Johanna?" I whisper into her shoulder. "Why would they do this?"

"I don't know," she says. She looks tense and worried. "I wish there was more we could do. But for now, we have to remain uninvolved. We'll help them the best we can without starting more conflict and in the morning we'll take a vote." She releases me and walks away.

I stand alone in the dark room for a long time wishing that I could scream.

**XXXX**

The group of five arrives several hours later. They are beat up and bloody and two of them have gun shot wounds. I walk over to tend to them and my heart flutters as I recognize them. It is Four and that Dauntless initiate from the fence, Tris. Marcus Eaton is also with them, the only surviving leader of Abnegation. I am struck by how much Four resembles Marcus. It's the eyes. But I don't comment and take a look at Tris's wound instead. Someone has done a good job with the stitching, so I give her a bottle of healing salve to apply to it and turn to the boy. He is in much worse shape, with blood spattered clothing. The bullet is still in the wound. I can't fix it here, so I lead him to the hospital ward, leaving the others with Johanna. She will take them to the dining hall and there they will be in the hands of the Abnegation and the other Amity. Safe.

**XXXX**

The Amity gather in the Greenhouse, like so many times before, to decide how we should proceed in the light of current events. Johanna asks how we should proceed and the usual chatter arises. I turn toward the small group and hold fast to my ideals. I think that Amity needs to be a safe house. Sending the Abnegation away would be sentencing them to death. The others express concern. They are afraid that we may also be attacked if we let others stay here. They are also afraid to sever our very important ties with Erudite. We rely on them as others rely on us. I try not to let irritation get into my voice, but eventually we come to a consensus. I let someone else be our mouthpiece until our consensus drifts among all the murmuring groups. The various opinions go to Johanna and are discussed until yet another consensus is formed. Johanna makes the announcement.

Amity will be a safe haven.

Amity will remain uninvolved.

I'm relieved, but the set of restrictions worries me. If we are unable to discuss the conflict, how can we possibly hope to be of any help? Is the facade of peace really enough?

I really hope so.

**XXXX**

**Author's note: **Thank you so much for reading~ Please Review if you like it :3


	12. Chapter 11

***** Obligatory Author's Note *****

This chapter contains **Insurgent Spoilers**.

**Chapter Eleven**

The kitchen bustles with activity. The Amity chatter or sing to themselves as they collect ingredients and begin preparing breakfast. A temporary hush falls over the room as the Dauntless boy, Four, walks in to help us. As part of our agreement, those who seek the safety of Amity must help out, so several Abnegation are also in the kitchen. They are so quiet that I hadn't noticed them. The chatter resumes, but now it is directed at Four. They give him jobs to do, which he handles easily. Though I am reminded that he used to be Abnegation while I watch him work, there is something distinctly Dauntless about his presence. I turn away and try my best to ignore him, but the other Amity keep pestering him with questions. It seems I'm not the only one who noticed his resemblance to Marcus. They don't mean to offend him, they merely want to know so that they can avoid any future conflict between the two, but I can see his annoyance in the hard lines of his shoulders. After a while I take pity on him, shushing them all and my reward is the slightest of grateful smiles. The talk turns to various different subjects, but the irritation doesn't leave him, it hangs around Four like a force field.

When the work is done, half of the kitchen team serves the faction while the other half, myself and Four included, cleans up. We work quickly and efficiently so that we can join our friends for breakfast. When we arrive at the dining hall, Four still has an air of harassment and I see Tris look at him in concern as he approaches her table. She asks him what's wrong and I hear him say that if they stay much longer he's going to punch someone. It takes all my effort not to laugh. I think that under different circumstances we could be friends, but I'm constantly reminded of Eric and his hatred for him. I hope they don't stay too long. It makes me feel as though there's a knot tightening in my heart.

I drift through the dining hall until I find Coloe and together we eat in silence.

**XXXX**

We last only one day before a conflict arises between our Dauntless guests. I am walking down a hallway in the guests' dormitory wing when I hear a scream echoing against the wooden walls. I run around the corner toward them and see Tris and the other Dauntless boy – Peter – fighting in the corridor. I can't see Tris' face but I can tell that it's her – small and blonde, with an edge to her movements. Peter lunges toward her, punching her in the stomach. She doubles over but the sound she makes is a feral cross between a groan and a scream and I can see that she's in attack mode. She moves to lunge at him again, but I grab her. She is so light that I almost lift her into the air when I drag her away from him. I know that I must be hurting her, straining the bullet wound in her shoulder, but I ignore it in the interest of breaking up their stupid scuffle. An Amity man takes hold of her and I kneel by Peter. I don't want to coddle him, but it is expected of my to be kind, so I murmur to him as soothingly as I can. Four arrives telling Tris to calm down and she starts screaming hysterically about a hard drive. Four ignores my and presses his foot against Peter's chest, taking a small black box from his pocket. He tells Peter and Tris that it wasn't very smart of them to jeopardize their place here. The quiet of his voice sends a chill down my spine. He commands power without even trying; something Eric could never achieve. No wonder Eric hated him so much. With the fight over the man who I let take hold of Tris tries to lead her to the Conflict Room, as is protocol. She argues at first, but Four tells her to go and though I can see she hates the idea, she allows herself to be led away. I check to make sure Peter's stitches weren't ripped out and then I head to hospital ward for work.

**XXXX**

They come during dinner. I see Tris run in frantically and rush over the table where Four and the Abnegation survivors are. They gather around her talking in whispered voices and then those who aren't dressed in red and yellow, leave in a group for the dormitories. The hair stands on the back of my neck. The Abnegation women still in the room begin pulling the pins and elastics from their hair. Something is wrong. Coloe shoots me a concerned look, but I can't speak. I keep my attention on the group of Abnegation.

They arrive several minutes later. Five Erudite and fifteen Dauntless with Blue armbands. A bell rings three times, summoning those who are not already here to the dining hall for a meeting. I bite my lip as I watch everyone file in. Johanna addresses the room: they are looking for our guests. There is a slight strain in Johanna's voice, almost as though she is urging us to silence. My faction doesn't object to a search, but neither do they point out that our guests are among us disguised. We will keep this secret to avoid conflict. Three Dauntless walk around the room and I hold my breath, glancing at Four, who's proud posture captures attention even when he doesn't realize it. And then it happens. A Dauntless woman notices him.

He moves. Shots ring out. Screams. I stand frozen and Coloe yanks me under a table. There are tears in her eyes. If it was difficult to hear about, it is more difficult to see the truth about Erudite. I pull her into a hug as Four and his group kill the Dauntless. I hear him say that those who are with him should run. _No!_ I think, _they'll be able to find you more easily!_ But the Abnegation get up and run. I squeeze Coloe one last time and jump to my feet, running after them. The Erudite and Dauntless chase us in cars catching up easily. Fear and adrenaline burn within me and my blood roars in my ears blocking out all other sound. Until the screaming starts. I knew this would happen if they ran. Even spread out amongst the cornstalks we are not fast enough to escape the bullets. I follow after Tris and Four, though keep my distance. I am still not sure why I chose to run, but it feels like something I need to do. We near the fence and Four pulls up a piece of the fence to herd the small group through. I hang behind so that the don't see me, then follow after them carefully. The Abnegation girl with them collapses into sobs and the small group stops. Tris and Four argue for a bit, and then they start walking again. Heading for the train tracks. They don't notice me.

They follow the tracks for a while, until a train finally comes. It takes all my effort not to be seen when they turn around to run with the train. They jump into the second car, so I take the third. My heart swells and then instantly deflates. Memories of many nights with Eric flood into my brain. A sob escapes me and a small whimper responds in the darkness. The train hits a curve and the light shines into the car. A small girl dressed in grey is curled up in the corner in of the car. She is pretty with dark hair that falls in waves around her shoulders. Her brown eyes watch me carefully, eyebrows slightly curved and questioning.

I don't know what to say.

**XXXX**

**Author's Note: **Thank you to everyone who's fav'ed and followed this fic 3


	13. Chapter 12

**Chapter Twelve**

"Who are you?" Her voice is timid but doesn't waver. She eyes my red dress suspiciously. "Are you really Amity?"

My lips part in surprise, but then I remember the Dauntless and Abnegation dressed in red and yellow sitting in the next train car and her questions don't seem so startling. "My name is Belle," I say in the most soothing voice I can muster, "I'm an Amity nurse." She bites her bottom lip, but I can see the suspicion leave her eyes. The Abnegation are not naturally suspicious, so it must have been difficult for her confront me. As she relaxes I scoot closer to her, knowing that she'll need all the comfort I can give her after all that's happened. I sit as close as I can without touching her.

"My name is Rachel," she says quietly after a while. I let her name hang in the air between us as I try to think of what to say. I really want to ask her questions and hug her, but I know that as an Abnegation she'd never allow the conversation to be centered around her. Instead, I try to focus on simple facts and plain directions.

"Is there somewhere you're trying to go?" I ask her, wondering why a tiny Abnegation girl is alone on a train.

She shakes her head. "I don't know what I thought. After the attack... I just..." Tears are flooding down her cheeks now and though I try to restrain myself, I end up pulling her into my arms and stroking her hair while she cries. Surprisingly, she lets herself sob for a long time before collecting herself, but I don't hold it against her. No one should have had to live through so much horror. She pulls away and wipes the tears from her eyes. "The group of survivors I was with went to the factionless sector," her voice breaks, so she swallows before continuing. "And then a group of factionless decided to got out on a patrol using the trains. I wanted to help, but... Jumping into trains is difficult and I ended up in a different car."

I feel my expression harden as I realize that Four and the others are in the car with the factionless. Concerned for their welfare, I stand and look out the side of the train car. It's not yet midnight, so the city lights shine brightly and I can see that we're approaching the factionless sector. The train slows and I begin to see people jumping out of the next car. "Rachel," I call back to her and she stands, balancing on the balls of her feet. "I'm jumping out now. Are you staying here?"

She shakes her head and walks toward the door. "I'm going with you." She peers out at the speed ground and swallows. She trembles a little, so I take her hand. "On the count of three, okay?" She nods and I count aloud, jumping from the still moving train as the word 'three' leaves my mouth.

I forget to compensate for Rachel's weight and we land hard, tumbling to the pavement. Wincing, I push myself up, brushing rocks from my skin. "Are you okay?" I ask, helping Rachel to her feet. One side of her body is scratched to pieces, blood seeping through the shredded fabric of her left sleeve and knee. She nods anyway and limps toward me. I look around and see that the group of factionless have already traveled a fair distance into the city. The movement spark tongues of pain across my body and I realize that I'm just as bloodied as Rachel. I lift the hem of my dress slightly and frown at the grated skin on my thigh. I drop the fabric with a sigh, and look around. There are various buildings here and I don't know which way the others disappeared to. "Do you know which way?" I ask, but Rachel shakes her head. I sigh and begin walking down a street, figuring that if we wander around enough, we'll eventually find a factionless house. We walk down a dark alleyway, our footsteps echoing on the brick. We wander for a long time before the stinging of my wounds finally drives me nuts and I suggest that we slip into one of the buildings in search of a sink.

The inside of the building is bare concrete and the floor is covered with dust and debris. The only light filters in from holes in the crumbling walls. My heart sinks. It's unlikely we'll find anything here, but now that we're here we might as well look around. Our steps leave footprints in the dust as make our way through the hollow shell of the first floor of the building. The second floor is in slightly better shape, chipped tile coating the floor and disintegrating chipboard on the wall. There are remnants of furniture here, so I begin to feel more hopeful. Eventually we find a bathroom with grime on the blue tiles lining the walls. Rachel follows me in timidly. She stopped limping a while ago, so the scratches on her leg must not be too bad. Still, as I reach for the tap, I'm praying the water will run. We need to get these wounds clean. I close my eyes and take a deep breath as I twist the faucet. It comes out as a sigh of relief as the pipes creak to life and a steady stream of water falls into the basin. I grin at Rachel and she smiles back – the shy smile associated with the Abnegation. Cupping the water with my hands, I spill it over the cuts on my thigh and a sharp gasp of pain escapes me. I continue to run the water over my wounds until I'm pretty sure that all the pebbles and dirt have been washed away and the water no longer runs pink. I've made a wet mess of the floor, but it's not like anyone else will be using it. There is a cracked mirror on the wall above the faucets and I can just make out my reflection in the light spilling into the room from the broken walls. Even in the dark, I can see that I look tired. I sigh and wave Rachel over so that we can clean her wounds as well, but she shakes her head.

"I'd like to do it myself please," she says.

I nod and walk around her. "Then I'm going to go look around. I won't be far." She smiles at me and begins cupping water in her palms. I wander into the big room just outside the bathroom. It is full of office furniture and must have been a busy workplace at one point. There won't be any food here, but there might be other useful things that we can take with us. With all of the uncertainty surrounding our society, I'll feel better with a weapon. I run my finger along the edge of a dusty wooden desk and continue on into the branching rooms. So far, I've been unable to find anything of use and this room is not any different. I pick up a cylindrical pen holder, wondering if it could be used as a cup, but it is made with a kind of mesh pattern unsuitable for holding liquids. I sigh and place it back down, just as a sound reaches my ears from down the hall. I stand in the doorway, but I don't see anything. "Rachel?" I call softly, but no one answers. "Just my imagination..." I mumble to myself, with a sigh. I continue down the hall to look in the next room. My blood chills. There are several bed pallets unfurled on the floor.

That's when I hear her scream.

"Rachel!" I shout, running through the building with panic in each beat of my heart. _She trusted me! She trusted me and I failed to keep her safe!_ My footsteps echo like thunder claps through the building, but there is too much terror in my veins to worry about alerting them so my presence. I'm almost at the bathroom when I scream her name again. It's been too long since she's made a sound. "Rachel!" She screams again and I am almost there. I throw the door open and step into the room.

He has her pinned against the wall and is whispering things into her ear. She struggles but I can see from here that she'll never be able to free herself. I step toward them and hear the click of a pistol in my ear. "Don't move," a female voice orders. I start to turn towards her and see Rachel shake her head slightly, eyes open in terror. I barely have time to register the motion before I am knocked out cold.

**XXXX**

When I wake there is a fire burning in the middle of the room and my head is killing me. It takes a while for my eyes to adjust through the concussive haze, but when they do, my memories return and I sit up in a hurry, biting my lip as intense pain shoots through me. I squeeze my eyes shut and wait for it to pass. When I open them again, I see that I'm in the room with the bed pallets. The male and female from earlier are sitting to one side, dressed in the multicolored fashion of the factionless and Rachel is huddled in the opposite corner, hugging her knees to her chest. My heart aches at the sight of her. I couldn't protect her and now I can only pray that they didn't do anything to her while I was out. I try to move to where she is but the world spins and I raise a hand to the lump on my head with a groan. Everyone's eyes turn toward me at the sound and I scowl at the two factionless who attacked us. Now that I can see them, it is obvious that they are very young. The boy is maybe Rachel's age and the girl several years younger than that. Too young to be fighting desperately for their lives.

"Finally awake then?" The boy says. His voice is gruff; much deeper than I was expecting for his age.

"Yeah, no thanks to the two of you." I frown at him.

The young girl laughs. "I've never seen that expression on an Amity before."

"Yeah, well, there's a first for everything." I snap.

The boy shrugs and holds his hand out to me. "I'm Flynn," he says, "And this is my little sister, Nicki."

I growl. "Yeah, we've met," I say, gesturing at the bruise on my forehead.

She grins at me. "Sorry about that. I respond pretty defensively sometimes."

I sigh and run my fingers through my hair. "Rachel, are you alright?"

She squeaks at the sound of her name and nods. "Are you sure?" I ask looking her up and down critically, "Because if these two have hurt you in any way..." My threat trails off when the boy laughs.

"Watch out," he grins, nudging Nicki in the ribs with his elbow, "Looks like we got a bad-ass over here." The two burst out laughing like it's the funniest thing they've heard in ages. I roll my eyes and scoot closer to Rachel. "Are you sure they didn't hurt you," I ask her, dropping my voice.

She nods again. "I don't think it was every really their intention," she says. "I think they were just scared. They seem to be all alone. After she hit you, they were really worried."

I look over to the pair and nod. _They're just trying to stay together._

"Hey," I say, trying to get their attention. "Do you know anything about what's going on?"

Flynn looks over at us, his expression darkening. "Nothing," he says, "Yet." He shift his position before continuing. "From what I heard, what's left of the Abnegation are with the factionless. And Dauntless is split in half between Erudite and Candor."

A knot twists in my stomach. I'm torn between wanting to find my friends and wanting to find Eric. I know that they will be in two different places right now. My heart tells me to run to Erudite, but my mind tells me that, that's probably not a good idea. I sigh and run my hands over my face. "I need to get to Candor," I say, "Do you think you can help me find some black clothing?"

Nicki and Flynn look at me in surprise. "But you're Amity," Nicki says, "Why would you do that?"

"I have friends in Dauntless who worked the fence," I admit, "I just want to know if they're okay." I take a shaky breath and realize that I'm shivering.

"Alright," Flynn says. "We'll see what we can do in the morning."

"Thank you."

I lean my head against the wall and close my eyes.

After a little while Rachel's voice breaks the silence. "I'm coming with you."

I turn to her. "You don't have to do that. You'll probably be safer with the Abnegation and the Factionless."

She shakes her head. "No, I want to go."

"Then it's settled," Nicki says. "In the morning, we're all going to Candor."

**XXXX**

**Author's note:** Thank you so much for the all of the new favorites and reviews (Ana, hogwartswonderland, TrueDragon117, gaaraxoxo, EpicStepek) :D They make my day~


	14. Chapter 13

**Author's Note: **A super huge Thank you to hogwartswonderland for making the amazing new cover image! I really love it :D

**Chapter Thirteen**

Dressed in black, we walk into the lobby of the main Candor's headquarters and are immediately intercepted by several Dauntless guards. We let them search us for weapons and once the realize that we're not Erudite traitors, they lead us over to the Dauntless dorm area. I search around the bunks for Sam and Emily, but they are difficult to find amongst the many black clothed, colourfully streaked and inked bodies. Rachel stays close to me, too nervous and timid to truly pass for a Dauntless. Nicki bounces a little too much but doesn't draw any attention. Flynn's scowl fits right in. I lean against a wall and sigh.

"Something wrong?" Nicki asks. She tilts her head when she speaks. It makes her adorable.

"I was hoping my friends would be here. But its going to take forever to find them at this rate." I blow air into my bangs and sink to the floor.

"Hey," she says, "We'll find them." She smiles at me and I can't help but think that she would have been happy in Amity. I wonder how she and her brother ended up factionless so young.

"Thank you." I try to smile back, but nagging doubts fill the back of my mind. They may not even be here.

"Maybe we should split up?" Rachel suggests, crouching beside me. "We might find them more quickly that way."

Flynn shrugs looking irritated. "Who cares. They're not going to be of much help to you."

Nicki punches her brother in the arm. "Flynn! Stop being such an ass! Belle cares about these people. How would you feel if it was me you were looking for?"

Flynn doesn't say anything but the hard line of his mouth softens. "Fine," he says, "What're their names?"

"Samantha and Emily."

He nods and hooks Rachel's arm,pulling her to her feet. "C'mon let's go look." Rachel blushes, but lets him lead her down the hallway. Nicki chases after them and I am left all alone. I lean my head against the wall, suddenly exhausted. I'm a little embarrassed to admit it, even to myself, but I'm glad that they're gone. I need some time alone to breath. I hug my knees and bury my face into my arms. I feel hollow and know that the next step will be tears, but before they fall a voice calls to me.

"Hey there, gorgeous."

I look up to see Lucas grinning down at me. I swipe angrily at my eyes so that he won't see the tears glistening there and glare at him. "What are _you_ doing here?" My voice drips with so much venom that I'm surprised at myself.

He leans against the opposite wall and smirks at me. "I could ask you the same thing, beautiful. But I'm pretty sure you won't answer."

I push myself to my feet so that I can argue with him at face level. He steps forward, pushing me flat against the wall. "I seem to remember being here before," he says, leaning close. His breath is warm on my face. "Still posing as a Dauntless, Belle?" His thumb strokes my cheek. "Why is that, huh?" He shifts and presses a kiss against my exposed collar bone. It's too intimate and I squirm, but he's too strong; his body too hard against mine. He presses his lips against my neck and he whispers into my ear. "This time, I win." I growl but his lips close around mine, swallowing the sound. And then his hands are on me. It is too rough; squeezing and scratching at the soft skin under my shirt. Each motion sends fire shooting through my body; not passion but anger, spreading through me like acid, making my blood boil.

I _**hate **_him.

And I want him **off**!

His fingers slide down my spine, slipping just under my belt and I completely lose it. I stomp on his foot so his hands can't go any farther and when he pulls back in pain, I manage to shove him off of me and punch him in the nose while he's still in shock. I don't know where the strength comes from. Blood pours down his face and I know that my hand will hurt later, but the adrenaline coursing through my veins blocks out the pain. I swing my leg out, aiming for his ankles and knocking him to the ground. I kick him as hard as I can in the stomach and when he curls into a ball I fall on him, pounding my fists into every inch of flesh that I can reach. I expect him to fight back, but he doesn't. I hear ugly screeching and realize that I'm screaming angrily with each punch. A crowd of Dauntless appear in the hallway, murmuring and cheering. Somebody lifts me off of Lucas and drags me, kicking and screaming, down the hall.

"What the hell do you think you're doing, Belle?!" A female voice hisses in my ear when we are far enough away. "Why are you even here?"

The pain has started to work its way in and I massage my hands, fighting back the tears, before I look up. The woman has brown hair and eyes lined in charcoal. "Sabrina." My voice is a mixture of surprise, pain and anger. I wipe at the tears sliding down me cheeks and stare back at her.

She growls. "Why are you here, Belle?"

I shrug, "I'm looking for someone." I watch her carefully. Sabrina was Amity before she chose to leave for Dauntless. Maybe she'll help me. "Two someones actually. Their names are Samantha and Emily."

She frowns but I see recognition in her eyes. "Sam and Em? From the fence? Why do you want them?"

I sigh with relief. "Are they here? Can you take me to them?"

Sabrina tilts her head, "Only if you tell me why."

"They're my friends 'Bri. I just want to make sure they're okay." I can feel tears welling in my eyes and furiously blink them away.

"And what was that back there?" She raises an eyebrow and gestures her head in the direction we left Lucas in. "I've never seen an Amity do that."

I scowl. "He attacked me," I say, "I wasn't about to get raped in a hallway!"

Her eyes widen but she drops the subject and looks at the floor. My self control shatters and I sink to the floor, sobbing until I can no longer breathe. Sabrina folds her arms across her chest, waiting silently for me to calm down. I wish that she would hug me or offer some condolence, but I know that she won't. When I finally collect myself, she leads me through the Dauntless dorm without a word.

**XXXX**

"Belle!" Emily runs over to me and pulls me into a hug. She pulls back and looks at the bruises on my hands and face with concern. "Oh my God, Belle! I'm so, so glad you're okay!"

I laugh, "You're glad that _**I'm**_ okay? I'm the one worried about you!"

Her smile falters and I hug her tighter. "Are you really okay?" I ask, knowing that she's probably not.

"We just murdered a bunch of innocent people while under mind control. I don't think any of us are really okay." Sam walks toward me with a grimace and I hug her as well. She shivers, and whispers into my ear. "I'm glad you're alright, Belle."

I look at each of my friends in turn, surprised that with all that had happened, they still had room to worry about me. And then I realize that their worry is not fear, it's friendship; not weakness, but love. Tears spring to my eyes and I pull them both into a hug.

"Belle," Emily says softly after a few minutes. "You know that Eric's one of the Erudite traitors, right?" Her eyes are wide, full of sorrow and sympathy. I nod. I didn't have to be told to know that. I knew it by instinct. Samantha claps her hand to my shoulder and squeezes.

"Em, do you really think now's the time for that."

Emily frowns, "She deserves to know, Sam."

"It's okay. I already knew," I say, smiling at them both. "I already knew, so..." My words get lost and I cry. The three of us remain together, silently comforting each other, until the Candor call a meeting. They're administrating interrogations.

I wonder who will be questioned.


	15. Chapter 14

***** Obligatory Author's note*****

This chapter contains dialogue from chapter 15 of **Insurgent **by **Veronica Roth**. _This is not my material._

**Chapter Fourteen**

It doesn't take me long to figure out exactly why the Amity and the Candor have such a difficult time getting along. They call us all together to witness what they call an 'interrogation' but what looks more to me like a disgusting invasion of privacy. They interrogate Four and Tris publicly, forcing them to tell their stories under truth serum. There is no honor in this and the Amity in me weeps for them. _Why is it necessary to know their greatest regrets? Why does this need to be public?_ I grip Emily's hand and try to remain calm. But when the room choruses 'Thank you for your honesty' I do not join in. There's nothing to thank them for. They did not choose to tell the truth; they were forced. And I am not grateful for any of the knowledge that I received.

When we return to the dorm area, I cannot bring myself to even to speak casually with Emily and Sam. Not even sleep saves me. My heart aches for them, but there is nothing that I can do. After trying unsuccessfully to cheer up for most of the morning, I tell Sam and Emily that I'm going to find Flynn, Rachel and Nicki. After wandering aimlessly through the corridors, I find myself in the stairwell leading to the lobby. I'm about to push the door open when the sound of gunshots shattering glass cuts through the silence. Someone screams "Traitors!" and then there are more gunshots. My heart thuds in my chest and my body freezes. My lungs burn as I stand unable to even breathe. I peer through the window, but a white fog has covered everything and I duck back out of view. Someone in the room says, "Not sure why can't we just shoot them all in the head. If there's no army, we win."

The voice that replies makes my heart leap into my throat. "Now, Bob, we can't just kill _everyone. _No people means no one left to create prosperous conditions. Anyway, it's not your job to ask questions."

Eric.

Shuddering emotions roll through me, paralyzing me: fear, hope, longing, disgust, anger, lust. None of them are strong enough to reign supreme. The result is tumultuous. I shiver.

"Half in the elevators, half in the stairwells, left and right! Go!" he orders and I hear footsteps heading in my direction. I squeal and sprint upstairs, desperate to remain unseen. I race up the stairs to the dorms and straight into Emily. I stare at her in panic, unable to voice the coming terror. "Traitors," I try to say, but it comes out as a shuddering gasp. Sam and Emily only look at me in confusion.

And then the room explodes into chaos. Emily and Sam fumble for their weapons, but I simply stand there, frozen. A beam of blue light aligns itself on my chest, but I am paralyzed by fear. Tears stream down my cheeks. I hear a bang and Sam dives in front me, taking the shot. I try to scream, but no sound escapes my lips. Something hits the back of my shoulder and pain erupts, spilling from the wound to the rest of my body. The room fills with a hazy fog and I am sure that I'm going to die.

**XXXX**

I open my eyes and the fog is gone. I push myself onto my knees and look around. Everyone else is lying on the ground unconscious. Terror floods through me, making me so cold that I can barely feel anything at all.

He walks into the room, dark eyes searching.

But it is not me that he's searching for. The eyes that find mine are full of sudden terror.. He shakes his head in warning and I drop to the floor, pretending to be asleep like the others. His image is burned on the backs of my eyelids, so riddled with metal that I can barely find traces of the boy I love. _Oh, Eric. What have you done? _There is a lump in my throat and I have to stifle a enter the room and Eric sends the away. When their footsteps die away, I am tempted to raise my head. But then I sense someone standing over me and his voice is in my ear, whispering anxiously.

"Listen to me, Belle. Don't move. Don't make a sound. Just lie here until the others wake up. Do you understand?"

And then he is gone and I am left in a silent room, filled with terror and dread.

**XXXX**

**Author's note:** So this is my last chapter of buffer. I have one more and then I can't upload until I've finished writing it. Also, Eric is back! Yay! :3


	16. Chapter 15

**Chapter Fifteen**

It has been two days since the attack and though it is barely five in the morning, I haven't slept at all. I am tired of crying. I am tired of being tired. I never did find Flynn or Rachel, but their bodies weren't among the collected dead. But Nicki was. The cold feeling of grief spreads through me, but I have no tears left. I have already cried them all out. I stare at the ceiling and try not to think. As he always does in the dark, Eric consumes my concentration. Sometime during the attack Tris had stabbed him and he's been captured. I'm so worried for him that I feel sick. According to the reports, he knew very little of Jeanine's plan. I shouldn't be relieved, but I am.

At seven, a representative from Jeanine is coming. The Dauntless are all preoccupied with it, but all I want is to see Eric. I sigh and roll out of bed. I need a cold shower.

**XXXX**

I walk down the hallway, feigning a confidence I do not feel. Up ahead two armed Candor guards stand before a door. I pull the white leather jacket more tightly around my shoulders and approach them with a smile. As I expected the Dauntless were more interested in guarding the whole compound rather than one single prisoner.

"Good Morning." I smile at them and they nod at me. "I've been asked to examine the prisoner." The pair look me up and down, trying to decide if I'm lying or not. They look dubious, despite my Candor dress, so I grip the medical bag I'm holding more tightly and augment my lie with truth. "I'm a nurse. I'm going to look over his injuries." They nod and I try out the next bit of my request. "But I have to ask that you leave the doorway." They frown at me and I almost lose my nerve. I swallow. "Your presence may be causing unnecessary stress on him. If you don't mind, could you guard the hallway from near the elevators. It will make my job much easier. Besides, he's already locked up and I'm perfectly capable of defending myself." I try not to show any signs of nervousness, though I really want to bite my lip. Slowly, they nod and walk down the hallway. I don't know how, but I convinced them. A small sigh of relief escapes me. I try not to shake as I reach for the doorknob.

Eric sits at the far end of the room. The sight of him breaks my heart. I have never seen him so vulnerable or in so much pain. He looks... broken. He doesn't look up when I enter, but he speaks. "Haven't you already asked me all your questions? Or do you have something else to tell me?"

My throat tightens at the sound of his voice, bitter and defeated. "I didn't come here to interrogate you," I say quietly, shutting the door behind me. He looks up and his dark eyes are momentarily filled with wonder, but then he scowls, the expression so hideous with his metal-ridden skin that I flinch involuntarily. He looks away. "Why are you here?"

I look at the floor. "I wanted to see you."

He is silent and when I look up, he's staring at me like he can't believe I'm real. Tears form in my eyes. "Eric, what have you done?" The words were only whispered, but they cut through the silence like a knife. His face loses all expression.

"Did you know?" He looks up at me. "Did you know that I'd be awake? That I'm..."

"Divergent?" he finishes. "No. But... I saw some signs. I chose to ignore them."

"Why?"

He shrugs and then winces at the motion. I bite my lip and try not to cry. Deep down, I know why.

I sit down and stare at my hands folded on the table. "Is it..." My voice cracks and I have to swallow several times before I can use it again. "Is it true that you shot a child?"

I already know that it's true, but I need to hear the words come from him. I look up and see that he is holding himself so tense that both hands have curled into fists on the table. "I didn't..." He swallows. "I didn't want to . But I had orders. Eliminate all of the Divergent except for two. There were specifications." He looks so miserable that I am sure my heart has shattered and blood is pouring into my empty chest. There are tears streaming down my cheeks but I cannot stop them. Silence falls between us, thick with guilt and grief. It is so heavy that I fear it will crush me. It is already sucking the air from my lungs. I reach across the desk, taking one of his hands between both of mine, desperate to touch him and know that somehow he is still the same. His hands are rougher than I remember, calloused and scabbed from the years of battle.

My heart sinks. If there is anything left of him, of the Eric that I used to know, it is buried deep. I let go of his hand and stare at the table. He shifts back in his chair and groans lightly. I look up just quickly enough to see a flicker of pain cross his face. He has been sitting tense for so long that he's aggravated the knife wound in his abdomen. I stand up. "Let me look at it."

He glances at me, shaking his head. "It's fine." He looks quickly at the door. I frown and pull my chair over to it, wedging it under the doorknob to lock it. Then I shrug the jacket from my shoulders and use it to cover the small window in the door. I turn back to him. "Take your shirt off and let me see."

He sighs and takes off his jacket before peeling off the black t-shirt. The pale skin that I once loved is now mostly ink, blacks and deep muted colours. Flames licking up his body. But the ink isn't what captivates my attention. That honour goes to the blood soaked bandage. I shake my head and grab the medical supplies I'd brought with me, crossing the room and kneeling in front of him. Gently, I pull back the bandage, clean and restitch the wound; set another bandage. He is silent while I work, but I can feel his eyes on me. I tape the bandage in place and look up at him. There is something like wonder in his expression; I blush and look down. My eyes fall on a tattoo on his chest – the only one over his heart.

It is a heart-shaped leaf with a bell hanging off of it's stem.

Tears sting at the back of my eyes. Without a word I know that it is for me. I press a kiss to it, feeling his heart beat against my lips. He pulls me into his arms and kisses my bare shoulder. Despite the long separation, his body still feels familiar to me and my heart pounds wildly in my chest. But the feel of metal against my shoulder is foreign to me and I can't help but frown. And then he kisses my lips and his are just as warm and soft as I remember. The light bite of the metal disappears and I'm back on the rooftop with his hands running down my sides. I sigh, feeling as though I might melt at any moment.

"I missed you," he whispers against my neck, "but you can't stay."

I can't breathe. "Why not?"

He tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. "Because you wouldn't be safe in Erudite." He shakes his head and kisses me lightly.

"I should have followed you to Dauntless in the beginning," I say, an edge of tears to my voice. "Then I could have had more of you."

He frowns, his hands gripping my waist more tightly as I run my fingers down his chest. "You have me now." His voice is hoarse and rough, suddenly filled with a need that's beginning to fill me as well. I look at him carefully, trying not to let myself get too excited, but unable to stop the heat that is slowly filling me.

"You're injured," I remind him.

He shakes his head and pulls me closer. "I don't want to let you go again."

I stare into his eyes for a moment and I know that I'm done. I kiss him and then speak against his lips. "Anything you want. Anything at all."

**XXXX**

I wish that this moment could last forever, lying in Eric's arms with his chest rising and falling beneath my cheek. But I know that soon the guards will question my long visit, so I'll have to go. Never before has getting dressed seemed like such a painful task. I'm in the process of re-tying my hair when I hear a faint tinkling sound and vaguely remember hearing it earlier. I look at Eric, trying to place it, and he smiles and holds the item out to me. It is a tiny jingle bell on a key-chain. I recognize it as one of the bells I tie into my braids, sometimes. I look at him quizzically and he shrugs. "You dropped it the first time we met on the train."

"So you kept it?" I stare at it in surprise and he nods looking a little sheepish.

"It's my good luck charm." I blush and he takes my hand and places the bell into my palm. "But I want you to keep it with you."

I frown, "But then won't you be unlucky?"

He shakes his head, "They're negotiating for my release. It'll be fine." He closes my fist around the bell. "Keep it with you. It'll keep you safe."

I laugh and lightly pat the bandage on his stomach. "Because it's been doing such a good job for you."

He smiles at me. "It's brought me more luck than you can imagine." He takes my face in his hands and kisses me lightly. "It always brings you back to me."

I hold the tiny bell in my hand and stare at him. "How will I find you again, if I have it?" I whisper, leaning my forehead against his.

He kisses me again. "Don't worry. I'll find you. I'll always be yours."

I blink away the tears and hug him tightly. "I love you. You know that, right? I love you."

"I know," he says. "I love you too, Belle. I always will."

**XXXX**

My heart breaks with every step away from him, but then I grip the tiny bell to my heart and a lightness spreads through me. The PA system chimes to life as walk and Jack Kang lists the Erudite demands. I should be worried, but all I can feel is happiness at the prospect of Eric's safety. The announcement ends as I enter the Dauntless dorm area.

And walk into a crowd calling for Eric's blood.

**XXXX**

**Author's note:** I've also got a companion fic, that focuses on the characters of Flynn and Rachel. Let me know if you'd like me to upload it. It's only about the OCs though.


	17. Chapter 16

**YOU WILL NEED TISSUES FOR THIS! SERIOUSLY! GO GET THEM. NOW!**

Disclaimer: This chapter contains dialogue from Chapter 23 of Insurgent by Veronica Roth. I do not own this content.

**Chapter Sixteen**

He sits less than ten feet away from me, but I can't run to him in this room full of Dauntless. Sam and Emily stand on either side of me, trying to lend me their strength. It doesn't help. I can't feel anything. I have gone so numb that I'm sure I've become hollow. He looks much worse now than he had when I left him a short time ago. He looks weak, like he's dying, and I know that it is my fault. I used up all of his energy and now he faces his execution, drained. The sheen of sweat on his forehead worries me. It means that I did not properly fix his wound... Or that we carelessly ripped the stitches out. I curse myself. I should have made sure it was okay before I left. I should have done more to protect him. I should be defending him right now.

_I should never have taken his good luck charm._

My fingers curl around the tiny bell like a life line and I force myself to keep my eyes on him despite the frozen feeling that is spreading like a wave of knives through my body. All I can hear is the rain pounding furiously on the roof. Eric is smiling though, staring intently at Four. The woman, Tori, steps forward. It is my understanding that she is one of the three newly appointed Dauntless leaders – along with Four and an older man named Harrison.

"Would you like me to tell you your crimes?" she says, "Or would you like to list them yourself?"

I shiver and watch him carefully. Eric scans the room, but he does not look at me. He stares at Tris and lightly places his entwined fingers over his stab wound. "I'd like _her_ to list them," he says, and my heart twinges at the sound of his voice. "Since she's the one who stabbed me, clearly she is familiar with them." I glare at Tris, but I do not miss the tremble that passes through him. My anger at Tris fades into an incomprehensible blur of emotion, suffocating me with fear for him.

"Leave her out of this," Four says and Eric smirks. This is what he wants. A reaction from Four. I do not quite understand it, but the more they talk, the longer I have to memorize him.

"Why? Because you're doing her?" I close my eyes, latching onto the arrogance in his voice. It makes him sound more alive. "Oh wait, I forgot. Stiffs don't _do_ that sort of thing. They just tie each other's shoes and cut each other's hair." I open my eyes, but Four's expression has not changed. Eric isn't getting what he wants and I can see his agitation in his eyes. "I want her to list them."

Tris's voice rings clearly throughout the room. "You conspired with Erudite. You are responsible for the deaths of hundreds of Abnegation." My heart wrenches into knots as her voice becomes poisonous and sharp. Tears sting my eyes but I cannot allow myself to cry. "You betrayed Dauntless. You shot a child in the head. You are a ridiculous plaything of Jeanine Matthews."

Eric's smile fades and I forget how to breathe. His words stop my heart. "Do I deserve to die?"

Four opens his mouth, but Tris answers. "Yes."

"Fair enough," Eric answers and I want to scream: _No it is not fair! You can't do this to me! You can't!_ I stare at Eric but her is looking at Tris, his eyes so dark that I feel I could swim in their emptiness. I am drowning in the blackness, being consumed by it. Everything but Eric becomes a blur. He continues speaking, directing his words at Tris. "But do you have the right to decide that, Beatrice Prior? Like you decided the fate of that other boy – what was his name? Will?"

In my periphery I can see Tris tense up, but I keep my eyes on Eric. Four answers. "You have committed every crime that warrants execution among the Dauntless," he says. "_We_ have the right to execute you, under the laws of Dauntless."

I watch in frozen disbelief as Four crouches by a trio of guns on the floor and slowly empties the bullets from each one. They hit the floor like bells.

_They toll for the end._

Four mixes the guns, but I lose track of the one with the bullet. Each of the three leaders picks up a gun and my heart makes a sudden reappearance, thudding violently against my chest. My vision blurs and Emily quickly squeezes my hand. Eric speaks again. "Wait. I have a request."

""We don't take requests from criminals," Tori says. The words would be vicious, if she didn't sound so tired.

"I am a leader Dauntless," Eric says, evenly, "And all I want is for Four to be the one who fires that bullet."

"_Why?_ " Four asks, but I think I already know the answer. My body begins to shiver with the sense of impending grief.

"So you can live with the guilt of knowing that you usurped me and then shot me in the head."

Everything shudders to a stop.

_Please no. Please no. Please no._

Four looks at him without expression. "There won't be any guilt."

Eric smiles. "Then you'll have no problem doing it."

Four crouches and picks up on of the bullets at his feet. Something changes in Eric's eyes. I see it shift and my heart is now in my throat, suffocating me.

Eric's voice drifts over to me quietly. "Tell me, because I've always wondered. Is it your daddy who shows up in every fear landscape you've ever gone through?"

Four puts the bullet into the chamber without looking up. Eric wants to see him break. I know this. But I also know that, he won't see it before he dies. I think that Eric knows it too. I can see the fury hidden behind his eyes. And the fear.

"You didn't like that question?" Eric asks. "What, afraid the Dauntless are going to change their minds about you? Realize that even though you've only got four fears, you're still a coward?"

I understand. Eric wants to see Four break so that he's not the only one breaking. But he doesn't realize that I am breaking too. Shattering into pieces that will never truly fit back together. My breath catches in my throat. Eric sits up straight, sitting regally in his chair. Four raises the gun holding it out in front of him and I bite my tongue, the metallic taste of blood flooding my senses. Eric stares past him, his eyes finding mine. I cannot move. I cannot breathe.

I will be the last thing he sees, but not the last thing he hears.

"Eric, be brave."

Four pulls the trigger and I watch as all of my dreams dissolve into the darkness of Eric's eyes; the dark red of his blood against the tile.

The crowd around me erupts into sound, but I cannot hear them. Not really. They are background noise, blurs of black-clad motion, rushing out of the room. I hear a laugh, but all I can see is the slumped remains of the only person in this world that I have ever truly loved. This emotion is not heart-break. It is not pain. I could live with those. This feeling is something indescribable that is tearing me apart cell by cell. It lives in every corner of my mind and body, an inescapable force of darkness, sucking both the air and the colour from the world. Everything turns a muted gray. Everything but the dark red of Eric's blood. The Dauntless are gone and I stand in the room alone. They have gone home. But my home, my heart has been taken from me.

My breath returns in short panicked breaths and suddenly there are tears running down my face. I am on my knees. I don't remember falling. Someone is screaming and the sound is wrenching and clawing at my heart. It takes me far too long to realize that the screamer is me. Somehow I find my way over to him and pull him into my arms. He is still warm but his heart no longer beats against my lips when I kiss the tattoo on his chest. The last of my composure shatters and I sob hysterically into his chest, clutching him to me like a confused child, unable to let him go. My pitiful sobs finally die down and I look up to see Sam and Emily hovering in the doorway uncomfortably. I know that they are waiting for me but I just can't bring myself to let him go. The bell slips from my fingers and rolls into a puddle of his blood. My bottom lip trembles, but I have no tears left in me. Just hollow emptiness. I lay Eric down and gently close his eyes, pressing a kiss to his forehead. I reach for the bell, coating my fingers in the thick gooey red and realize that I can't just leave without a piece of him. I swirl the substance between my fingers and suddenly want to take it with me. There is a vial of pain medicine in my pocket. But it will be of no use to my broken heart. I pour it out on the floor and fill it back up with Eric's blood. Now he will always be with me. It takes every ounce of the strength left in me to rise to my feet and walk away from him. When I reach the doorway, Emily and Sam each give me a hug. As if they can somehow make my heart start beating right again. There is nothing they can do for me.

I know that the want me to go with them to Dauntless headquarters, but there's no way that I can stay with them. I cannot live amongst the people who condemned my love to death. I would never survive there.

Instead, I'll be going home.

I should never have left in the first place.

**XXXX**

**Author's Note:** Well I think I broke everyone's hearts with that chapter. But don't worry there's still at least one more chapter coming to wrap things up... which may or may not make you feel better. Thanks for reading this far :D


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